Saturday, August 1, 2009

Monkey Butler's Lament

A short play by Scott McCarrey

In the middle of the room, PEDRO sits upon a throne of tree branches, palm leaves, coconut shells, and other such accouterment indigenous to dessert islands. He shuffles a deck of cards.

STEVEN H. sits on the floor reading a tattered copy of People magazine.


PEDRO: (looking out the window) Wind’s blowing up a gale today.
STEVEN H: Oh, wow... did you hear that that Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise got a divorce?
PEDRO: No way! For real?
STEVEN H: Uh oh! Looks like the advance reviews for Pearl Harbor are not good at all!
PEDRO: Hey, Steven... (extends deck of cards) pick a card.


STEVEN H. draws a card from the deck.

PEDRO: Is your card the... five of diamonds?

STEVEN H: ...No.

PEDRO: (rifling through the cards) What the...


The front door is thrown open. MONKEY BUTLER stands in the doorway, soaking wet.


MONKEY BUTLER: They’re all gone.

PEDRO: All of them?

MONKEY BUTLER: (entering the hut) All of them.

PEDRO: Don’t walk on the rug, your feet are muddy. They can’t all be gone.

MONKEY BUTLER: Every last one of them.

PEDRO: Did you hear Tom and Nicole broke up?

MONKEY BUTLER: Yes, Pedro, I did hear that. I heard it first in 2001, and then about once a week since then, every time you read that one copy of People magazine that washed ashore with you.

PEDRO: You’re telling me that you searched this entire island and did not find a single banana?

MONKEY BUTLER: There are plenty of papayas.

PEDRO: (throwing his head back dramatically) UGH! Monkey Butler! I HATE papayas!

MONKEY BUTLER: Well, maybe if you had listened to me a year ago when I told you that you were consuming far too many bananas--

PEDRO: When was this?

MONKEY BUTLER: I just said, a year ago.

PEDRO: I don’t remember that.

MONKEY BUTLER: Pedro--

PEDRO: King Pedro.

MONKEY BUTLER: (sighs) King Pedro--

PEDRO: (deep voice) “My leige.”

MONKEY BUTLER: The point is: There. Are. No. More. Bananas.

PEDRO: MONKEY BUTLER!

MONKEY BUTLER: What?

PEDRO: (extends deck) Pick a card.

MONKEY BUTLER: If I do, will you listen to me about the bananas?

PEDRO: (a beat) I won’t listen less.


MONKEY BUTLER stares at PEDRO for a moment, then draws a card from the deck.)


PEDRO: Is your card... the ace of clubs?

MONKEY BUTLER: It is not.


PEDRO snatches the card back and examines it.


PEDRO: What did I do with the instructions for this?


The front door is thrown open. STEVEN C. stands in the doorway, soaking wet.


STEVEN C: Hey, you guys, we are completely out of bananas.

PEDRO: Are you serious?

MONKEY BUTLER: I just told you that.

PEDRO: When?

MONKEY BUTLER: About one minute ago... also one year prior to that.

PEDRO: What the hell are we supposed to eat?

MONKEY BUTLER: As I’ve already told you, there are plenty of papayas.

PEDRO: (throwing his head back dramatically) UGH! Monkey Butler! I HATE papayas!

STEVEN C: (walking into the hut) Well, we have to eatsomething!

PEDRO: Steven! Take off your shoes, you’ll track in mud.

STEVEN H: I’m not even wearing shoes.

PEDRO: Not you. Other Steven.

STEVEN H: You mean Steven C.?

PEDRO: Which one are you?

STEVEN H: I’m Steven H.

PEDRO: (a beat) Other Steven, take off your shoes.

STEVEN C: (looks at STEVEN H.’s magazine) Whoa, is that an ad for that new Nintendo Gamecube?

STEVEN H: I know, right! It looks awesome.

MONKEY BUTLER: (to PEDRO) Do you or do you not want me to go pick papayas?

PEDRO: Why would I want you to pick papayas? I hate papayas.

MONKEY BUTLER: BECAUSE that’s all we have to eat.

PEDRO: What about the--

MONKEY BUTLER: THERE ARE NO BANANAS. YOU ATE THEM ALL. I WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS AS EARLY AS A YEAR AGO.

PEDRO: Well, then... plant some more. I cannot let my subjects go hungry.

MONKEY BUTLER: Your subjects? All two of them.

PEDRO: We used to have three. A moment of silence... for Steven R.

MONKEY BUTLER: I have no idea how to grow bananas. Whatever gave you that idea?

PEDRO: ...Nothing... gave me that idea.

MONKEY BUTLER: (a beat) It’s because I’m a monkey, isn’t it?

PEDRO: EVERYBODY KNOWS that all monkeys love bananas.

MONKEY BUTLER: And agriculture?

PEDRO: There is no need for that kind of language.

MONKEY BUTLER: Here are your options, Pedro--

PEDRO: King Pedro.

MONKEY BUTLER: Here are your options, King Pedro: I will brave the blinding wind and rain to gather some papays--

PEDRO: (throwing his head back dramatically) UGH! I HATE papayas!

MONKEY BUTLER: Or, we can all starve. Those are the choices.

PEDRO: I see. (a pause) I understand the tough decisions that fall solely to a ruler. I also understand that decisions must be made hastily or not at all. I choose... plan C!

MONKEY BUTLER: There is no plan C, I only gave you two--

PEDRO: THE DECISION WAS MADE HASTILY AND IS THEREFOR CORRECT!

STEVEN H: I’m hungry.

PEDRO: I know, my loyal subject. We’re all hungry. If only Monkey Butler weren’t such an enemy of freedom...

MONKEY BUTLER: What is it you want me to do?

PEDRO: I believe I’ve already said.

MONKEY BUTLER: I cannot plant a banana tree. I don’t know how.

PEDRO: Subjects of Pedroland... Pedromeda... Pedropolis, what say you?

STEVEN C: The monkey’s holding out.

STEVEN H: Yeah, I think he’s hoarding all the bananas for himself.

PEDRO: Damn straight, Steven.

STEVEN C: Which?

PEDRO: What?

STEVEN H: Which Steven were you saying, “Damn straight” to?

PEDRO: Does it... matter?

MONKEY BUTLER: This is ridiculous. If you would justcompromise and eat some papayas...

PEDRO: “Compromise”? I don’t know the meaning of the word “compromise”! (a beat) Or “ridiculous”. Or “panache”...

MONKEY BUTLER: Pedro...

PEDRO: I think it’s like a pancake...

MONKEY BUTLER: PEDRO!

PEDRO: Hey. Steven. (extends deck) Pick a card.

STEVEN H: Are you talking to me?

PEDRO: Uh... sure, why not.

STEVEN H: Because you already asked me.

PEDRO: Goddammit. I hate that you’re all named Steven.

STEVEN C: We don’t even look alike.

PEDRO: I rarely look at your faces.

MONKEY BUTLER: I don’t think I can put this much clearer. If you don’t eat the papayas, you are going to die.

PEDRO: It’s so hard to be a likable monarch. It’s like... you can be likable... or you can be a monarch... but you can’t be both.

STEVEN C: What about the monarch butterfly? I like those.

PEDRO: I didn’t ask to be in charge, y’know? I never asked for any of this.

MONKEY BUTLER: Yes you did. The first day you washed up here you specifically said, “Does anyone else want to be King of the Island?”

PEDRO: Yeah, and since nobody said anything, the responsibility fell to me.

MONKEY BUTLER: Nobody said anything because it’s ridiculous for somebody to be king of the island.

PEDRO: Um, hello? Have you ever read Lord of the Flies? It’s total chaos until they instill a hierarchy, and then everything works fine.

MONKEY BUTLER: That’s the exact opposite of Lord of the Flies.

STEVEN H: Have you ever read Lord of the Flies?

PEDRO: I saw the movie. Remember? It was the only tape that washed up with that VCR.

STEVEN C: That was The Sword in the Stone...

PEDRO: Whatever. Same thing. There are nouns and... prepositions.

STEVEN H: ...And you wouldn’t even watch it because you said it promoted liberal agenda.

PEDRO: You know what, Steven C.? I’ve had just about enough of your backtalk.

STEVEN C: I’m Steven C. He’s Steven H.

PEDRO: That’s it. No more Steven C. and Steven H. There can only be one.

STEVEN H: But...

PEDRO: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. Get the canes.


STEVEN H. and STEVEN C. reluctantly stand and each pick up a long bamboo cane.


STEVEN C: Aw, man.

MONKEY BUTLER: What are you doing?

PEDRO: You know the rules gentlemen. The winner is granted the right to be named Steven as, vis-a-vis, the winner is the only man alive.

STEVEN H: This is just like what happened to Steven R.

PEDRO: (suddenly sad) Awwwww, Steven R. Moment of silence, you guys. (pause) Okay, now fight to the death.


STEVEN H. and STEVEN C. hold their weapons at the ready, and are about to charge one another.


MONKEY BUTLER: THAT’S IT! I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!

PEDRO: Can it wait until after Steven-on-Steven-bamboo-cane-fight-to-the-death?

MONKEY BUTLER: I, Monkey Butler, hereby resign as the Monkey Butler of this island.

STEVEN H: But, Monkey Butler...


MONKEY BUTLER walks around the hut, packing things into a box or a bag or something.


MONKEY BUTLER: But Monkey Butler nothing! I can’t take this anymore! You people are insane. You, Pedro, govern your sovereign nation with inane nonsense and empty threats. And Stevens! You don’t even do anything about it! Every chance you have to overthrow this tyrannical fool you ignore!


STEVEN C: He has a point.

PEDRO: Don’t listen to him

STEVEN H: He has a point as well.

MONKEY BUTLER: Well, I for one have had enough.

PEDRO: Fine, Monkey Butler. If you want to leave, I’m not going to stop you. You see, this actually solves a problem. Steven C., from hence forth you shall be known, simply, as Steven. Steven H., you are now Monkey Butler.

STEVEN H: But where will you go?

MONKEY BUTLER: I am going to a place where people refuse to be ruled by fear and absurd rhetoric! A place where people are free to overthrow bloated, corrupt governments that exist only to the detriment of their own citizens!


MONKEY BUTLER opens the front door.


MONKEY BUTLER: I’m going to America!


MONKEY BUTLER exits. Pause.


PEDRO: Guy couldn’t even grow a freaking banana.

STEVEN H: Do I at least get a tuxedo?

PEDRO: When you earn it.


Blackout.

Read more!