A Bear and A Beaver Discuss A Matter of Great Civil Importance

A short play by Scott McCarrey

BEAR sits behind his desk (a fallen log) in his office (the forest). He examines a stack of papers through reading glasses. BEAVER enters.

BEAVER: Hello?
BEAR: Beaver!
BEAR stands and removes his glasses.

BEAVER: I hope I’m not interrupting, the receptionist said...
BEAR: No! No! Not interrupting at all. Come on in!



BEAR and BEAVER shake hands.

BEAVER: Good to see you, Bear.
BEAR: Likewise. Have a seat, please.
BEAVER: Sorry I’m late. The traffic right now is...
BEAR: Tell me about it. Which river did you take? The long windy one?
BEAVER: Um, no... the shorter one with the rapids.
BEAR: Ah. Yeah. There’s your problem. You really oughtta take the long windy one this time of day. Much less congestion.
BEAVER: I’ll try to remember that. How are the cubs?
BEAR: Fine, thanks.
BEAVER: Your youngest-- he’s starting little league this spring, isn’t he?
BEAR: Yes... he is, how did you know?
BEAVER: I’ve got one the same age. Remember?
BEAR: (clearly doesn’t remember) Oh... sure, sure.
BEAVER: Isn’t it terrific? You must be so proud.
BEAR: I... suppose.
BEAVER: What, you’re... you’re not?
BEAR: Well it’s not really his choice, if you get my meaning.
BEAVER: He’s no good?
BEAR: That kid couldn’t catch a beehive. And we’ve been practicing. With beehives.
BEAVER: Come now. I’m sure he’ll get better.
BEAR: I sure hope so. The boy needs to get out. Make friends. Meet girls. All he does is lie in the cave all day hibernating. That’s no way for a bear cub to behave. No cub of mine anyway. No cub of mine...

BEAR stares out the window (there is no window) as if lost in thought. BEAVER fidgets awkwardly. After a moment:

BEAVER: So...
BEAR: Right, sorry. Where were we?
BEAVER: Nowhere... yet. I’ve actually got no idea why you’ve asked me here.
BEAR: Really? Surely my receptionist mentioned in the letter...
BEAVER: Nothing, no. It just said you requested my presence at my earliest convenience.
BEAR: Really? That’s... she’s new. The receptionist. She doesn’t... anyway, what I wanted to talk to you about was this new public works project you’ve started.
BEAVER: What about it?
BEAR: Well... how’s it coming?
BEAVER: It’s going very well, thanks.
BEAR: Is it?
BEAVER: Yes, couldn’t be better. We’ve just opened our third new school in as many months, we’re hoping to have the hospital finished and open by this summer, we’ve connected most of the tunnels to create a sprawling transit system, as I’m sure you know...
BEAR: Right, right...
BEAVER: And just last week we finished clearing out that wooded area near the boulders.
BEAR: The one under the cliff?
BEAVER: Yes, that’s the one.
BEAR: Right... I always kind of... liked that area. It was shady.
BEAVER: Well, yes, but...
BEAR: A fellow could go there to think, you know? It was nice.
BEAVER: Certainly it was serene, but we needed the trees for our dams.
BEAR: Your dams...
BEAVER: We’ve built quite a series of dams all along the streams and rivers that run--
BEAR: Yes, I’m... I’m familiar with those dams.
BEAVER: Then you must also be familiar with our new water purification systems and sewage treatment centers, in which the dams play an integral part.
BEAR: Oh, I’m sure they have their upside too...
BEAVER: (laughing) Their upside? Why, what could possibly be the downside?
BEAR: I’m just saying that it’s... unfortunate-- some of the other bears and I feel it’s unfortunate to take away from the... natural beauty and... serenity of this area with beaver-made contraptions...
BEAVER: Beaver-made contraptions?
BEAR: Well, that’s what they are...
BEAVER: Do you also feel that it’s unfortunate that forest unemployment rates are the lowest they’ve been in ten years?
BEAR: Of course not, we’re all very pleased to see--
BEAVER: Because it’s due specifically to this public works project that--
BEAR: It just would have been nice if we could have accomplished that without ruining our streams and rivers.
BEAVER: It would have been nice, yes. It would have been nice if we could magically remove all the bear shit from our water--
BEAR: Excuse me?
BEAVER: That would have been very nice.
BEAR: I’m sorry, what are you implying?
BEAVER: I’m implying that bears shit in our drinking water and it’s disgusting, that’s what I’m implying.
BEAR: That is just--
BEAVER: And without our dams, we’d have no means of purifying the water and managing waste.
BEAR: Then you’d like to take credit for the drop-off in tourism as well?
BEAVER: What drop-off?
BEAR: Our rivers and streams are at the heart of our appeal to tourists.
BEAVER: Since when does this forest depend on tourism?
BEAR: I’ll have you know that fifteen percent of--
BEAVER: Tourists don’t come here!
BEAR: Not anymore, thanks to your dams.
BEAVER: That is outrageous.
BEAR: Tell that to the sparrows.
BEAVER: The... what? The sparrows?
BEAR: That’s right.
BEAVER: What sparrows?
BEAR: The sparrows who migrate here every winter, but now, thanks to the destruction of our--
BEAVER: Oh please...
BEAR: (talking over BEAVER) THE DESTRUCTION OF OUR NATURAL RESOURCES, and the alarming lack of housing, have decided to migrate elsewhere this year.
BEAVER: It’s ONE CLEARING! In a forest!
BEAR: It was the same spot those sparrows have been migrating to for generations. Maybe you beavers would have known that if you’d consulted with anyone else before launching into a massive demolition project.
BEAVER: Meaning you.
BEAR: Not necessarily, no, I’m just saying--
BEAVER: Come off it, Bear. You’re just mad because no one asked your permission.
BEAR: Not at all, we just--
BEAVER: You bears think you own this forest.
BEAR: We just think you should have talked things over with another group, us or anyone else, just to have been able to consider things from every angle.
BEAVER: This is ridiculous.
BEAR: Then maybe we wouldn’t be in the situation we’re in now.
BEAVER: This situation? This situation of unparalleled growth and prosperity?
BEAR: For you, maybe.
BEAVER: For us and everyone else, there’s not a single...

BEAVER pauses in mid-sentence. BEAR eyes him, conspicuously.

BEAR: What?
BEAVER: You don’t mean...
BEAR: I don’t mean what?
BEAVER: Is that what you’re so upset over?
BEAR: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
BEAVER: Yes you do.
BEAR: You’re not making any sense.
BEAVER: This is about salmon, isn’t it?
BEAR: (a beat) I beg your pardon.
BEAVER: All this talk about tourism and destruction of natural resources...
BEAR: I don’t know where this is coming from...
BEAVER: Are you willing to sit here, right now, and look me in the eye... and tell me this has nothing to do with salmon?
BEAR: Of course it doesn’t.
BEAVER: Honestly?
BEAR: Hadn’t even crossed my mind.
BEAVER: (a beat) Then... I’m sorry for bringing it up.

The two sit in silence for a moment.

BEAR: But... since you mentioned it...
BEAVER: I knew it!
BEAR: It is far from the only issue...
BEAVER: Sitting there playing the role of the concerned citizen...
BEAR: Mine is not the only constituency which has taken issue with--
BEAVER: Who else?
BEAR: What?
BEAVER: Who else is complaining?
BEAR: You want me to name names?
BEAVER: I’d like to know who else has a problem with our dams, yes.
BEAR: Fine. If you must know, the wolves have also voiced their concern about--
BEAVER: Are you kidding me?
BEAR: You’ve got something against wolves?
BEAVER: Everyone knows you’ve had the wolves in your back pocket ever since you covered up the missing campers scandal.
BEAR: OUTRAGEOUS!
BEAVER: Even the rabbits know that!
BEAR: That is character assassination, I’ll have you know!
BEAVER: Did you honestly think you got away with that, you honey-eating oaf?
BEAR: Honey-eating?
BEAVER: That’s right.
BEAR: HONEY-EATING?
BEAVER: Did I stutter?
BEAR: You take that back, Beaver!
BEAVER: I will do no such thing!
BEAR: TAKE IT BACK!
BEAVER: No!
BEAR: I’m warning you, Beaver...
BEAVER: You’re warning me?
BEAR: Take it back...
BEAVER: Is that a threat?
BEAR: If you don’t take it back...
BEAVER: What if I don’t? Then, what?
BEAR: Then I just... I...
BEAVER: What?

BEAR rears back on his hind legs, growling and swatting his paws at the air.

BEAR: RAAAAAAAWWWWRRR!!!

BEAVER does not move. He stays seated, staring at BEAR, disgusted and a little confused.

BEAVER: What is...? What are you doing? What is that?

BEAR comes to his senses and slowly retakes his seat.

BEAR: I... I apologize.
BEAVER: Wow.
BEAR: I didn’t mean that.
BEAVER: I should hope not.
BEAR: But just, FYI, if that kind of thing happens again, you should probably play dead.
BEAVER: Play dead?
BEAR: Yeah. And cover your head and neck with your hands. Like this.

BEAR demonstrates.

BEAVER: ...okay...
BEAR: I may gnaw on you a little, but I’ll lose interest after a minute or two.

BEAVER stands.

BEAVER: I should get going...
BEAR: What? No, please...
BEAVER: It’s getting late...
BEAR: Is it because of what just happened? I told you, I didn’t mean it...
BEAVER: Look, Bear. It’s no secret that our people don’t get along. We haven’t for quite some time. I had hoped that my coming here today might change things, but... I see now that that just isn’t going to happen.
BEAR: I’m sorry you feel that way.
BEAVER: I’m sorry things have to be this way, Bear.

BEAVER begins to exit.

BEAR: Beaver?

BEAVER turns around.

BEAR: Don’t let the door hit you in your big flat tail.

BEAVER storms out.